Home
/
Startalk
/
Poetry
/
Inspiration
/
Gaia
/
Wildflower Show
/
Links
Starsongs Astrology
Free Tutorial
check it out!
Beginning guide to
reading your chart
For Laughs
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* *
SOME GEMS
from the old, unrehearsed Hollywood Squares
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and
ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hells' Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and
I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl
language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not
even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for
two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him
well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby:
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? (OH MY!!!)
*****AND THE WINNER***** (Abby's Favorite) Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
ADAM
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him,
and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side
of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said,
"In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geeeeez!"
And then, just like everything else,
God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
In about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin,
said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?!
DOG WISDOM
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
~Andy Rooney~
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are
members of a weird religious cult.
~Rita Rudner~
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and
to turn around three times before lying down.
~Robert Benchley~
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
~Franklin P. Jones~
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain
dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
~James Thurber~
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
~Unknown~
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to
$3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
~Joe Weinstein~
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come
back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork,
half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
~Anne Tyler~
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea.
~Robert A. Heinlein~
* *
PEANUTS
A bus driver with a bus full of seniors is driving down a highway,
when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully
munches. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his
shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture eight more times. At the ninth time
he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
She replies, "we can't because of our teeth, we can't chew them."
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled.
The old lady answers: "We just love the chocolate around them."
* *
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in
her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the woman's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively
more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square
and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked
at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
* *
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She
was having a lot of problems selling it, because
the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked
with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way
to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't bother me," replied the blonde,
"I just want to sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of
a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him
I sent you and he will 'fix it'. After the work is done,
you shouldn't have any problem selling it."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked
the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I,
it only has 50,000 miles on it!"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were
doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor
of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos
again!! If I get burritos one more time, I'm jumping too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If
I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened
his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy
opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said,
"If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and
cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The
Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. She said,
"Hey, don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
* *
Homer walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge
of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did
a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer,
saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did, too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
How Blonde Was She?
She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."
She Was Sooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."
She was Sooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She was Sooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur
around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for
"This Goes In Front."
She is sooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
Safari
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo
safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for
company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies
and before long he discovers that he is lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The
poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles
down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims
loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if
there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a
look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from
a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use
and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard
is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when
they get close enough to hear, the poodle says, "Where's that damn
monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
MORAL: SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME.
The Dangers of Thinking
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties
now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought
led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew
it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and
finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to
sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife
about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
Then, I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to
avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau
and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and
confused asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like
you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has
become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on
the job, you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home
early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want
a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as
much as college professors, and college professors don't
make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't
have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said
impatiently. She exploded into tears of rage and frustration,
but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm
going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and
ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open.
The library was closed!!
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking
out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?"
it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes
from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is
why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a
non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then
we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since
the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a
lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow,
as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to
recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I joined a political party.
Why Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of
which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress- $5000. Tux rental- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes,
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.
AND YET....
Men are like:
Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Chocolates... Sweet, smooth, & usually head right for your hips.
Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright!
Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken.
Courtroom Gems
These are from the book "Disorder in the American Courts",
and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had to keep a straight face while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
*
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
*
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
*
Attorney: This disease, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something that you've forgotten?
*
Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
*
Attorney: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
*
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
*
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?
*
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
*
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
*
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
*
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
*
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male, or a female?
*
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
*
Attorney: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
*
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
*
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
*
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
*
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Different Definitions
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage,
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Control: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty: How golfers create divots.
Paradox: Two physicians.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Polarize: What penguins see with.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
Subdued ... like a guy, who like works on one of those,
like, submarines, man!
Bird Tags
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the
inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S.
Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds
has been changed. The bands used to bear the address
of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated
"Wash. Biol. Surv."
until the agency received the following letter
from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds.
I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions
on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
Old Zeke
Out in the hills of West Virginia, you just don't see a lot
of people hanggliding, but Old Zeke saved up and
bought himself a rig. He carried it to the top of the
highest mountain, took off running, and was soon happily
airborne. Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Janis were sitting on their
porch when Ma suddenly said, "Pa!, that there's the biggest
bird I've ever seen!" Pa jumped up, "Ma," he said, "Quick,
get me my gun." Ma brought him the gun and he fired off
several shots: Bang! Bang! Bang! But the enormous bird
continued flying silently over the tree tops.
"I believe you missed him, Pa" Ma said.
"Yeah," Pa replied, "but at least he let go of Old Zeke!"
Light Bulbs
How many members of your astrological sign does
it take to change a light bulb?
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Taurus: One, but just try to convince them that the
burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help
them through the grief process.
Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent
will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.
Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth
Libra: Errr, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two.
Is that okay with you?
Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the
Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
light bulb?
Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
Pisces: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Three Wishes
Patty is having a morning stroll along
the beach in Ireland when he sees a corked bottle
wash up on the sand. He picks it up, pulls out the
cork, and out comes a genie, who says,
"Since you've liberated me from aeons of imprisonment
in this bottle, I'll grant you three wishes".
Patty scratches his head and ponders (very briefly)
and announces he'd like a pint of stout. Instantly
he is holding a pint of stout in his hand, which he
promptly opens and drinks, announcing that it is
'the best he's had yet, b'gory'. He starts to toss the
bottle into the bushes, but the genie says "Wait!
You'd better look in the bottle before you throw it away!
This is a magic bottle, and whenever you empty it,
it will immediately be full again".
Patty looks, and sure enough, the pint is full.
Taking another swig to assure himself that it's
the same delicious brew, he finds that it is indeed.
Overjoyed, he begins to head for town to show the guys
his new treasure, but the genie stops him again, saying "Wait!
You still have two more wishes". Patty pauses a moment,
lost in deep thought, and then declares, "Well then,
I guess I'll 'ave two more o' these".
A Turn of Phrase
The following were the winners of a New York magazine
contest in which contestants were to take a well-known
expression in a foreign language, change a single letter,
and provide a definition for the new expression.
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO
Lost in the mail.
IDIOS AMIGOS
We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM
I think; therefore I waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI
The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous.
MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old.
FELIX NAVIDAD
Our cat has a boat.
VENI, VIDI, VICE
I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUOA
Fast retort.
ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a
pain you would never know.
MAZEL TON
Tons of luck
VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it.
COGITO, ERGO SPUD
I think, therefore I Yam.
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO
I came, I saw, I stuck around.
ICH BIT EIN BERLINER
He deserved it.
ZITGEIST
The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up.
Best Bumper Stickers
"A closed mouth gathers no feet"
"Life is sexually transmitted"
"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission"
"Where there's a will....I want to be in it"
"Boldly Going Nowhere"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"Nature Bats Last"
"Attitude is Everything"
"Work as if you don't need the money,
Love as if you've never been hurt, and
Dance as if no one is looking."
"Life is uncertain, so eat dessert first"
"Procrastinate Now"
"I finally got my head together and my body fell apart"
"Instant Asshole: Just add alcohol"
"I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere"
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol"
"If you can read this, my trailer fell off"
"Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch"
"Sometimes I have Delusions of Adequacy"
"If you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast"
"The Ribbon to the Nexus is in the solar plexus"
"In Silence there is only Now"
"Do Do Occurs"
"Politicians and diapers need to be changed often,
and for the same reason"
"Stumps of Mystery: an Oregon Experience"
"Don't Californicate Oregon"
"Wild Women don't get the blues"
"Those who laugh last think slowest"
Religions of the World
(by their tenets ye shall know them)
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit happened before!
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else!
Catholicism: If shit happens, you must have done
something to deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
New Age: Visualize shit happening.
Rastafarianism: Really great shit happens.
Three Religious Truths
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or at Hooters.
Simple Wisdom
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of
a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually
done by first graders, their insight may surprise you!
Better to be safe than...............punch a 5th grader
Strike while the ....................bug is close
It's always darkest before...........Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of.....termites
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that.............looks dirty
No news is...........................impossible
A miss is as good as a...............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.......math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll....stink in the morning
Love all, trust......................me
The pen is mightier than the.........pigs
An idle mind is......................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's..........pollution
Happy the bride who..................gets all the presents
A penny saved is.....................not much
Two's company, three's...............the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...
...you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as...........Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed........get new batteries
You get out of something only what you...
...see in the picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way
And .....
Better late than.....................pregnant
Life With Little Ones
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one
of her kindergarten students put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her
pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't
want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had
worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the
little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this
time on the right feet. He then announced, "These
aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get
right in his face and scream,"Why didn't you
say so?" like she wanted to.
Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my
brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
**
Trying to dress an active little one is like
trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.
There are only two things a child will share willingly:
communicable diseases and their mother's age.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home
is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household;
they never turn off any lights.
An alarm clock is a device for waking people
up who don't have small kids.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using the horn
to steer your car, and you get about the same results!
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a
middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Sex
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask
such a question, but decided that if she's old
enough to know to ask the question, then she's old
enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to
tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished
explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied,
"Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."
How was I born?
A little boy asked: "Daddy, how was I born?"
Ole Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need
to find out anyway! Well you see, your Mom and I first
got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date
via e-mail with your Mom, and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
eventually sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was
ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared
and said:.....'You've Got Male!' "
Let Me Show You
A kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they drew. She would
occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,
she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said,
"but no one knows what God looks like." Without missing
a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
Offertory Prayer
A visiting minister was eloquent during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward
heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment a little
girl leaned over and asked her mother quite audibly
in her shrill little voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
At that point the service was more or less over.
So Long
While walking along the sidewalk in front
of his church, a minister heard the intoning of
a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his five-year-old son and his
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling
that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then
dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity
intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather..
and unto the Sonnnn. . .....
and into the hole he gooooes."
Favorite Quotes
"I have never hated a man enough to
give his diamonds back."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited
by her sister-and now wish to withdraw that statement."
Mark Twain
"I'm as pure as the driven slush."
Tallulah Bankhead
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm
not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West
"Be thankful we're not getting all the
government we're paying for."
Will Rogers
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Lewis Grizzard
"I can handle reality in small doses,
but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining."
Lily Tomlin
"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not
okay, then it's not the end."
Unknown
"Happiness is not getting what you want,
but wanting what you have."
Unknown
"Old age ain't no place for sissies"
Bette Davis
"I'm not offended by 'dumb blonde' jokes because I
know I'm not dumb. I also know I'm not blonde."
Dolly Parton
"I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
man, I keep his house." Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Yesterday is history; tomorrow's a mystery; today is a gift.
That's why it's called 'the present'." Eleanor Roosevelt
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have
given birth." Erma Bombeck
"Behind every successful man is a surprised
woman." Maryon Pearson
"Just do your best. Even angels can do no better."
my Mom
"Good friends are like stars. You don't always
see them, but you know they are always there."
Unknown
"I think; therefore I'm single." Lizz Winstead
"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which serve the same
purpose as a husband. I have a dog who growls
every morning, a parrot who swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night."
Marie Corelli
"Little is known about the conscience
except that it dissolves in alcohol."
Will Rogers
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity;
An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
Winston Churchill
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
George Carlin
"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been
admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may
love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go
with everything else in the house."
Jean Kerr
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two
cents' worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
Steven Wright
"The Pessimist complains about the wind;
The Optimist expects the weather to get better;
The Realist adjusts her sails"
Unknown
"Be Realistic: Expect Miracles"
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh
"Following the path of least resistance
is what makes rivers and men crooked."
Will Rogers
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't
live long enough to make them all yourself."
Unknown
"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience,
we are spiritual beings having a human experience."
Unknown
"The important thing is this: to be able at a moment's
notice to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
Charles du Bos
Holy Writ
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come
on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be
led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus,
she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived,
they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one
to others before they do one to you. He also explained,
"a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Scientific Rhetoric
The following list of phrases and their definitions might
help you understand the mysterious language of science and
medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to
anyone reading a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original
reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might
get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think
so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A statistically oriented PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF
THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of
notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't
understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE
EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"...
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained
to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
Research
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who
asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.
Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK! I just want her
to see what a man looks like who's given up
drinking, gambling, and golf!"
Marriage
Childish Wisdom
From interviews conducted in a grade school:
Q: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and
she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get
to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
Q: WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool
to get married." Freddie, age 6
Q: HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to
be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
Q: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8
Q: WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough." Lynette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date." Martin, age 10
Q: WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all
the dead columns." Craig, age 9
Q: WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want
to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you
should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right
thing to do." Howard, age 8
Q: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys
need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't
want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married,
I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for
some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
Q: HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't
there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing, the boys would come
chasing after us just the same as they do now."
Roberta, age 7
Q: HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a
truck." Ricky, age 10
Home / Startalk /
Poetry / Inspiration /
Gaia / Links
Starsongs Astrology /
Wildflower Show
Free Tutorial
check it out!
Beginning guide to
reading your chart
Free birth chart with book purchase
Astrology 101:
Beginner's Guide to Reading Your Chart
Book stores and distributors
go to
Trafford trade discounts
Contact me:
magyan@wizzards.net